I don’t even know anymore. I move in one direction but my anchor my life my reason for being sinks deeper and deeper. You’re out of sight and the hard truth that you’re soon to be or already are out if reach grows and grows. What have I done. I couldn’t fix this I didn’t know how. I couldn’t follow you the way you were going but I also couldn’t change your course.
Omg. The feelings. What is this. It’s natural that’s what it fucking is. It’s the regret after making a huge mistake. It’s the feeling after giving up and justifying it at every turn. I want to scream, all I want to do is scream.
The days have gotten harder. The afterglow of pretending has burned off and all that’s left is grief. You don’t want to be kind and I understand. You don’t want to believe that I’m hurting just as much as you. You tell my friends things that make me worry more than I did when we were one and I thought that would be impossible. Im fucking hurting, I’m in pain. I know I was a lot to handle, so were you. I shouldn’t have laid into you that way, I shouldn’t have said the things I thought in the moment. They were only in the moment. So now I live working and drinking then working again. Loving you and feeling hollow, all the while you’re thinking I’m ok.
So I was sad and probably will still get that feeling from time to time but, my excitement for moving to San Francisco and going to school and living near my brother so far exceeds any sadness my silly heart could throw at me. I just have to keep remembering that. With that being said September 4th needs to be here already. I know the trip out to check out school and places to live this weekend is going to make my longing to be there now even worse.
Running through my mind 99% of the time is you. The other 1% on how to make sense of the future and pleading for a glimpse to help find the direction. My head is run down my body too, my heart aches. I hate these unwanted feelings once over shadowed by comfort and stability. These literal miles and the figurative ones too that stand between us are enough to break me.